[Christianity; Extended Family and Stray Dog]

Something has weighed on my heart for a while. Some parts of it, much longer than the other parts, have left an impression that, when trying to remove it, the area beneath remains disturbed.

I've difficulty making friends. It could be my nonchalance about some things, my prioritization, my sometimes overserious, sometimes oversilly attitude. I have tried to figure this out because everyone is too "kind", politically correct, something, to tell me what it is to try and fix it. I've thought, 'Well, they have enough friends and they don't need any more'...

When I wanted to visit Japan again recently, I kept it quietly to myself. My longing to be with Japan's people again, to serve, to help, to talk, came on again once I was able to breathe from work. Too late for mission trips by then, but still wanting to go serve with people I met last summer.

When a friend advertised how cheap flights were this summer with Delta, I considered the imminent logistics of actually going again. It was possible! I had over $2000 saved. I could go and just wait longer about paying my loans. They were moving at the end of the year, and they had a spare room, so I thought, "Hey, maybe send a message to some of the people I connected with and see if I can visit and crash on their couch. Stay out of their way all day and come back, do chores, laundry, errands, etc. to earn my keep. Rotate places to make the plane ticket worth it, so I wouldn't have to rush to do things." So I sent out 9 messages. 3 replied, 2 with the equivalent of "haha you're crazy but no" and the one, the person who advertised, offering lodging for a week. The others, the ones I was actually closest to... no response.

Which hurt.

I've tried to understand, when you knock and are in need, Christians are supposed to help the needy and all. But those are usually strangers, so I can see why they would be worried. But... I'm not really a stranger. And those in need, you just give them a little something, they find help elsewhere.

And elsewhere.

And elsewhere...

I know I'm no homeless person, but I was led to believe I was some sort of extended but close family. Or something worth sleeping on your floor for a bit. Until I find my way home. Like a stray dog. Without fleas but with homemaking skills.

I'd understand better if I had been a person who was just on a mission trip for a week or two. Because of that transience, they wouldn't have a clue if I was trustworthy or not. But, 3 months. 3 months in daily availability, serving, and contact. I lived with some of the people who didnt respond. We hung out a lot, we got along really well, but... no response.

You're busy! That's fine, the summer are busy months, I understand.

You're not interested in my company all that much! That's fine, too. I'm a boring person, really.

You're not my type! lol I don't want to get married. I just want to sleep indoors.

I am not that good of a Christian at all, or charitable enough to amount to much, but I've let people sleep in my home several times when they needed help or just to be in an area for it's accessability. As long as they wanted or needed. I know a month, or a week, is much different than a couple days. Diana slept here for several months before, and I learned that Mum must be the one in a million of Christians who would give that much of her home to someone.

But, I hoped, I prayed even, that their love would, could, be extended to me as well.

However, almost all of these people (except 1) treat me with an unfounded transience. Didn't want to invest much back into me when I went out of my comfort zone to make friends. I had a new chance to make new friends! But it didn't work. They had enough friends. Enough needy people. They had someone they could have "enough of" and use that as reason not to talk to me. Some, their kids were the only ones who would talk to me past 2 sentences even though they would have other interns sleep over in their apartment all the time, treat them like their own children. Did I look evil? What was wrong?

It's part cowardice and part shame and part mutual "respect" why I write here and not directly to the persons involved. And part disappointment in both parties in our lacking ability to want or attain friendship beyond simple transience.

Transience.

That's such a painful word to me.

"An impermanence that suggests the inevitability of ending or dying." Well, we all have this inevitability. Where does the line draw us in, to be unaffected?

Why I never completed my Journeyman paperwork? The half-hearted exuberance replies I got in my considered decision. Now, I know it's stupid to think people should roll out a welcome mat and fire up a parade to know someone is going to come serve in the same work you do. However, it was the transience I was STILL treated with by whom would be my future co-workers and Christian family. It was as if they were a socialite club. Were they just too focused on the Japanese future brother and sisters, than the Americajin current brothers and sisters? It was like I would be a burden beyond measure, not an extra set of hands to lift the same burden.

I know better than to think all people are compatable, and especially, that everyone who claims to follow Christ are all shiny happy people. I personally know much better than that. I know better also that I am no vanilla, or no flavor of person that everyone enjoys. I know what I may be, but I am not a stranger to these people. And it's what hurts the most. I didn't fit the bill or something.

Strung out on wings of the dawn
Hole in the black, soul in the storm
Torn down through the cracks in the dark
We're miles adrift, we're inches apart

This post has been long enough.

Currently Soundtrack By X Files-I Want to Believe 22. Broken (by Unkle) see related

[Would you like some hair?]

I've listed my hair on TheHairTrader.com

So, would you like some hair?

I plan on cutting, basically, all of it. Just tiiiiiired of having long hair I can't control, I slam in doors, etc. I want to be able to style it, straighten it, have fun with it already!

And looking different when I go to Japan, too. That'd be fun.

Firsts

[Always a Constant]

A lot of new things have happened since I last posted. I hesitated so long as to avoid the "are you crazy", "this isn't right", "you're too young", etc. comments I might just get from posting the news to the world who may not yet know of it.

So the Saturday before I made my last post, God made that two-week notice. 12 hours after I prayed, "God, please, rescue me from this," He made it so. Brian's grandmother, Margie, left her house at 12:30am ... to go home. Suffice to say, a neighbor saw her and brought her in while they called an ambulance or something to get in contact with her family. She has late stage 2 Alzheimer's and needs round-the-clock care. Her husband lost all of their money in Home Gold investors who took the money from many upstate S Carolinians in the early 00's and ran, so they can't just dump her in a home without losing her house to the state.

I wanted out of my job, and after a week of prayer and talking with the family, they provided all of the amenities and some pay to stay with her during the week (since everyone has to work). I get weekends off, they installed internet, pay for the food, added me to their car insurance so during the week (at the moment) I have a car at my beck and whim to use, and when the weather gets warmer, she has an in-ground pool in the backyard. I've not lived in a house since I was really little, so it's a nice change.

I doubt my readers are as deluded to think I'm not stressed sometimes, but I laugh at it. That disgusting, trapping, cruel disease that is Alzheimer's is going to win, but I will laugh at it, spit in it's face, by making Margie's final time as comforting and enjoyable as I can.

God is teaching me many amazing things through all of it, as He intended and so timely brought on that night of avoided-tragedy. Boston Legal gave me a taste of how cruel Alzheimer's can be, but, in a good twist of things, since I only ever saw her on Christmas Eves, her having forgotten who I am doesn't bother me. Enduring the torture I did in Parker, and even watching "Life", has ingrained me how to endure her when she gets super mean.

The rest of the family have really come together, and I have a lot of help and encouragement from those who matter most in this. I like not having a dress code, my night habits are very beneficial to Margie, and her best neighbor friends have a wonderful white cat that visits me when I think, "God, you made a neat little cat over here." She also leaves me souvenirs. Half a bird was in the yard a week and a half ago.

I also doubt my readers are as deluded to think I'm not also attacked by Satan. Easter Eve was especially rough, when I cried and cried and cried in my bed, wishing that Ronnie hadn't died in that car wreck before I turned 2. So that he would have protected me from the internet predators when I was younger, would've distracted me or altogether refuse the meetings at all. But Mum loves me too much and let me have my way. As innocent as doves, but didn't have Dateline warning us of those dangers to make us as wise as serpets.

But God, I feel it in my bones, will bring a man into my life who will show me, for my stupid, unbelieving eyes, that I have been redeemed, reborn, and worthy of love and not loathing (self loathing included). He has something to teach me more, before blessing me with such as that. Until then, I'll just gawk at lovely redheads actors I'll never meet I have a new penchant for, still purr when thinking about real-life brunettes, maybe not so tall sometimes, definitely handsome geekalicious, and hope to find some time to embrace my inner beauty outside of Catholic churches (ha, Elizabeth, ;D)

There are things such as fiblets are better than tablets, and one fib I ran with for a while, since Margie's Rusty was in service, that my husband is in Iraq and since she stays by herself, she stays here with me at my house to keep me company. I never tried to sell her the pics, but my husband is named Damian Lewis and he looks like this:

Ain't he pretty? We always wanted little redheaded children running around.

XD

So, am I a double-dumbass for doing this kinda thing, too? Probably, but then again, I haven't heard or had contact with Yvonne to hear how much she disapproves. Which means I've had a great month and a half since I started doing this.

ぢゃね。

PS And because something is wrong with Xanga not letting me make links NOR thumbnails in reply comments, I'll just post it here:

Yes, Damian has a brother, and he's rather fetching as well.

Currently David Archuleta By David Archuleta A Little Too Not Over You see related

[Working Blindfolded]

So life currently has been like a blindfold. I don't know where the end is, where I'm really going, but the cracks around my eyes only tell me changes in the light.

I'm working, working, working. I feel ostracized only by my desire to increase our customer service and quality when my higher ups want me to sell more and more and more. What good is it to sell something that is half worthless and not get a customer's faith enough in our quality to return and give us their money again? I would like mediocre money many times than mediocre money once, you know? But no one shares my sentiments and I'm too frustrated with the higher ups at corporate to tell them that same thing because then they will try arguing that fact, or say something stupid like "that's what we are supposed to be doing"... Other than the emphasis on "supposed", that is what must be done. Do it or don't. For someone who spends $350, I would rather make sure their entire order is correct than let half of their pictures have heads cut off (which can be prevented) and try selling them some extra "savings cards", but of course, I'm the bad guy in corporates eyes for doing that...Somehow. ?_?

I know I still keep my job no matter how much I "suck" selling-wise because we have no one to replace me, lol. No one likes my manager, wants to work for her on their days off when she has an "emergency", or when Wal-Mart employees mock her and complain about how she stays constantly on her cell phone, talking really loud, in random spots in the store away from the camera.

Every Saturday, I want to give 2 weeks notice. Or not, mainly because if I'm gonna get fired, they won't warn me, will they? No.

But I keep walking forward, eyes closed, even, under my blindfold. Walking by faith. That I'll stay in this job, or any job, long enough to raise enough money to finish paying my loans back. When I get about 1500 or so away from the finish line, I'll finish Journeyman's paperwork. That's the idea, but God could change things. He's certainly got the right to do so, as He is providing for me.

I hope that, soon enough, we'll have someone else trained up so that I can get fewer hours again and be home to help Mum more. I feel awful not being able to go places and help her like I could a month ago when we had 4 people between two stores and they could afford to give me pittance hours. For now, haha, they're stuck with me.

And me with them.

Keep me in your prayers. I think of all of you often and pray for you. For your growth. For your learning. For your desire for His heart.

Currently The Baker [ NON-USA FORMAT, PAL, Reg.2&4 Import - Great Britain ] see related