| | Tonight was the first night, in my life, I had ever physically pounded my head into a wall.
I relished it. Delicious pain. Wonderful.
That, and Margie is gonna be put in an Alheimer's home. I never knew when to cry uncle, but in comparison, Ron, Mary, and Randy are all big wimps when it comes to necessity of care. Atleast Cathy and I know you gotta do what has to be done, even if you want to cry every 5 minutes when she does because she doesn't know she's a person anymore.
This doesn't have to be done, but why not wash your hands of a being that is no longer human?
Your memories, your abilities to discern that paper in a book should not be eaten and no brushing your hair with a tube of toothpaste is not effective, make you human, do they not? I mean, God put that special touch in man that He left out of animals. But when you become just a simple eating and pooping machine, what else is there? But degeneration like this comes from a weird place of pain. It makes you doubt all and everything you've felt and are. And then what? Where does the growing and healing begin again... or did it ever stop?
When I started with her, her mental age was about 7-8. Now? Today? This past week? A year and a half. She can barely walk, gets into things and trouble, falls from squatting height. Tonight, though? A year old. Putting everything into her mouth, tasting things that shouldn't be tasted. However, much larger and more cumbersome. A 15lb baby is MUUUUUUCH different than a 135lb baby. I physically picked her up 3 times today.
So, by the end of the week, she may be in her new digs. Little Joe, the bird, may be living with Nanny Trammell. Sassy, the catpoodle, living with Beth, Margie's grand-daughter-in-law with her other poodle. The house? Housesat by me some Monday-Wednesday while Randy is out of town. Working at PictureMe, hopefully, only from Thursday-Saturday, so I can finally rejoin my church family and start working again toward Journeyman.
I've felt quite less than human being here. There is no clocking out. There is only fear and trepidation.
And faith in God's provisions. He hasn't left me; He's protected me yet grown me so much this far. And tomorrow, the sun will shine on the house again in the earth's rotation.
My prayers go out to those who can't afford or find a way to provide for family members who basically lose their minds like this. That you can't have the luxury of dumping your problem on some other stranger paid a good pile of money to do so for just an 8 or 12 hour period knowing other coworkers are there with you toiling just the same. While some find blessings in it, the toil, the emotional strain it can toll... it is incalculable. |
| | Posted 5/26/2009 11:02 PM - 14 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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