Something has weighed on my heart for a while. Some parts of it, much longer than the other parts, have left an impression that, when trying to remove it, the area beneath remains disturbed. I've difficulty making friends. It could be my nonchalance about some things, my prioritization, my sometimes overserious, sometimes oversilly attitude. I have tried to figure this out because everyone is too "kind", politically correct, something, to tell me what it is to try and fix it. I've thought, 'Well, they have enough friends and they don't need any more'... When I wanted to visit Japan again recently, I kept it quietly to myself. My longing to be with Japan's people again, to serve, to help, to talk, came on again once I was able to breathe from work. Too late for mission trips by then, but still wanting to go serve with people I met last summer. When a friend advertised how cheap flights were this summer with Delta, I considered the imminent logistics of actually going again. It was possible! I had over $2000 saved. I could go and just wait longer about paying my loans. They were moving at the end of the year, and they had a spare room, so I thought, "Hey, maybe send a message to some of the people I connected with and see if I can visit and crash on their couch. Stay out of their way all day and come back, do chores, laundry, errands, etc. to earn my keep. Rotate places to make the plane ticket worth it, so I wouldn't have to rush to do things." So I sent out 9 messages. 3 replied, 2 with the equivalent of "haha you're crazy but no" and the one, the person who advertised, offering lodging for a week. The others, the ones I was actually closest to... no response. Which hurt. I've tried to understand, when you knock and are in need, Christians are supposed to help the needy and all. But those are usually strangers, so I can see why they would be worried. But... I'm not really a stranger. And those in need, you just give them a little something, they find help elsewhere. And elsewhere. And elsewhere... I know I'm no homeless person, but I was led to believe I was some sort of extended but close family. Or something worth sleeping on your floor for a bit. Until I find my way home. Like a stray dog. Without fleas but with homemaking skills. I'd understand better if I had been a person who was just on a mission trip for a week or two. Because of that transience, they wouldn't have a clue if I was trustworthy or not. But, 3 months. 3 months in daily availability, serving, and contact. I lived with some of the people who didnt respond. We hung out a lot, we got along really well, but... no response. You're busy! That's fine, the summer are busy months, I understand. You're not interested in my company all that much! That's fine, too. I'm a boring person, really. You're not my type! lol I don't want to get married. I just want to sleep indoors. I am not that good of a Christian at all, or charitable enough to amount to much, but I've let people sleep in my home several times when they needed help or just to be in an area for it's accessability. As long as they wanted or needed. I know a month, or a week, is much different than a couple days. Diana slept here for several months before, and I learned that Mum must be the one in a million of Christians who would give that much of her home to someone. But, I hoped, I prayed even, that their love would, could, be extended to me as well. However, almost all of these people (except 1) treat me with an unfounded transience. Didn't want to invest much back into me when I went out of my comfort zone to make friends. I had a new chance to make new friends! But it didn't work. They had enough friends. Enough needy people. They had someone they could have "enough of" and use that as reason not to talk to me. Some, their kids were the only ones who would talk to me past 2 sentences even though they would have other interns sleep over in their apartment all the time, treat them like their own children. Did I look evil? What was wrong? It's part cowardice and part shame and part mutual "respect" why I write here and not directly to the persons involved. And part disappointment in both parties in our lacking ability to want or attain friendship beyond simple transience. Transience. That's such a painful word to me. "An impermanence that suggests the inevitability of ending or dying." Well, we all have this inevitability. Where does the line draw us in, to be unaffected? Why I never completed my Journeyman paperwork? The half-hearted exuberance replies I got in my considered decision. Now, I know it's stupid to think people should roll out a welcome mat and fire up a parade to know someone is going to come serve in the same work you do. However, it was the transience I was STILL treated with by whom would be my future co-workers and Christian family. It was as if they were a socialite club. Were they just too focused on the Japanese future brother and sisters, than the Americajin current brothers and sisters? It was like I would be a burden beyond measure, not an extra set of hands to lift the same burden. I know better than to think all people are compatable, and especially, that everyone who claims to follow Christ are all shiny happy people. I personally know much better than that. I know better also that I am no vanilla, or no flavor of person that everyone enjoys. I know what I may be, but I am not a stranger to these people. And it's what hurts the most. I didn't fit the bill or something. Strung out on wings of the dawn
Hole in the black, soul in the storm
Torn down through the cracks in the dark
We're miles adrift, we're inches apart This post has been long enough. ぢゃね。 | 
